Three ways to make it in politics

The following are three sure-fire ways to make it in politics in my opinion based on observation.

1) Lie your way to the top. Most people elect those who live in their area. So join a party that is likely to get in and tell the membership you believe the same as them, even if you don’t. To become a candidate you’ll need to be on a candidate list. Tell the interviewing panel that you’ll do whatever the party whip says and not vote or speak against the party, even if it goes against your principles. You can then go before a local selection committee. You tell that committee, regardless of what the whip says, you’ll always do what they want. If they select you, you then may need to get 10 members of the public to support you, by telling them how local you are. Once the election period starts, you ask the public their opinions and even if the public differ from each other you lie to them by saying you agree with them completely and will do whatever they want. You then get in and the freedom of speech you used to enjoy goes because your party says you can’t have unless they vet it and make you lie about your actual beliefs. A matter comes up where the community you lied to vote for says they want you to support, but your party says if you don’t vote with the party they they’ll withdraw the whip and you won’t get selected again. You then have to lie to the people and give a reason why you couldn’t support them, such as that the “civil servants” blocked the party. You then repeat this process for each election.

2) No woman no lie. If you don’t want to lie, or you are a minority, such as a woman, black or minority ethnic, lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender, disabled, or similar, then the best option for you is to stand as an independent or for a minority party. You may not get elected straight away, but you will have the chance to go before the public and set out who you really are what you really believe in.

3) Looking after local loyalties. If you don’t want to lie, and are not ready to become open about your minority status, then there is one last way you can get in. Become a leading local trade unionist in the case of the Labour Party, a successful professional in the case of the Conservative Party, or a well-respected local figure in the case of the Liberal Democrats. You may be able to get far if you work as a researcher or activist for any of the parties, representing the views of a senior figure, then by showing this loyalty you can show you can be trusted, and then you may be able to get past the shortlisting committee by using the skills of spin and subterfuge you learned when working for the party’s elected representative. If you well liked in your respective party they will put you in a ‘safe seat’ where you stand a greater chance of getting elected.

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